You can’t find happiness in a diet, forcing exercise or even fitting into a pair of XS jeans. Your worth and happiness doesn’t come from a number on a scale or the size of your clothing. And here’s proof of that.
My obsession with being thin began without me even realising it. I used to travel to France as a teenager to visit my friend who lived there. One time I visited her Dad told me I had lost weight, and I looked better for it. It was a big compliment. I felt proud of myself, thinking that in losing weight I had become prettier and better but, without realising it probably triggered a fixation.
It’s funny how words stick in your mind, and that somewhat harmless comment stuck in mine. Every time I visited my friend after that I had to be skinnier. I remember the week before I flew forcing myself to do sit ups every night until I fell asleep. Looking back I cringe at this knowing how silly I was being. But, at the time I just couldn’t see it.
The year that followed I got into my first relationship, which wasn’t a healthy one. I was cheated on, controlled and made to constantly feel like I wasn’t good enough. He once told me that if I got fat he would dump me. Who even says that?! Why did I even put up with that?
My self esteem was at an all time low I clung to the idea that being skinny would make everything better. I would be dancing six days a week, constantly obsessing over what I ate and the calories I consumed. I would cry over a packet of crisps that I would want to eat but couldn’t. I felt proud for skipping meals and terrible for ‘over-eating’. I clearly wasn’t happy and I definitely wasn’t healthy.
Luckily skip to 2020 and here I am. I don’t count calories and I bloomin’ love crisps. Instead I listen to my body and eat what it craves. I’m in a healthy relationship with a guy that supports me and loves me no matter my size. I love my job! It has totally changed my approach to fitness and wellbeing. Now I workout because I love it not because I want to be skinny, in fact I want to be STRONG. Exercise is now a celebration of what my body can do, not a punishment for what I ate.
You Are Enough
Looking back I regret that I spent so much time trying to mould my body into something “perfect” I forgot to love myself as I was. Being skinny didn’t make me any happier, in fact it I was pretty miserable. It was only when I started looking after my health and put myself first that I really started feeling happy. If you love your body, it will love you back. Obviously, this self-love didn’t happen overnight. It took work. It still takes work but I’m slowly learning.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Embrace every inch of YOU. Don’t worry about your weight. Eat the chocolate, drink the wine. Life is way too short not to.